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LOL!
I already forwarded it to another friend that also has 50 in the rear view mirror.
It looks like I will be headed overseas to one of the garden spots sometime in the next couple months and I have to agree with the sentiments of the post above.
Now that I think aboit it-
In a round-a-bout way, the general profile of FOG does describe some of my quirks!!!

 >> HOW TO START A FIGHT
> >>
> >>
> >> One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
> >> a Christmas gift...
> >>
> >> The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
> >>
> >> When she asked me why, I replied,
> >> m
> >> "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
> >>
> >> And that's how the fight started.....
> >>
> >> ________________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
> >> we were in bed.
> >>
> >> I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
> >>
> >> 'No,' she answered. I then said,
> >>
> >> 'Is that your final answer?'
> >>
> >> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
> >>
> >> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> >>
> >> And that's when the fight started...
> >>
> >> ________________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> I took my wife to a restaurant.
> >>
> >> The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
> >>
> >> "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
> >>
> >> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
> >>
> >> "Nah, she can order for herself."
> >>
> >> And that's when the fight started.....
> >>
> >> _______________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
> >> reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
> >> drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
> >>
> >> I asked her, "Do you know him?"
> >>
> >> "Yes", she sighed,
> >>
> >> "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
> >> right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
> >> hasn't been sober since."
> >>
> >> "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
> >> celebrating that long?"
> >>
> >> And then the fight started...
> >>
> >> ________________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
> >> to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
> >> something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
> >> making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
> >> thought of a clever way to make her point.
> >>
> >> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
> >> grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
> >> scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
> >> the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
> >> I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
> >> grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
> >>
> >> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
> >>
> >> ______________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
> >>
> >> She asked, "What's on TV?"
> >>
> >> I said, "Dust."
> >>
> >> And then the fight started...
> >>
> >> ________________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
> >> lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
> >> boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
> >> downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
> >> garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
> >> would be bad all day.
> >>
> >> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
> >> into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
> >> anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
> >> terrible."
> >>
> >> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
> >> stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
> >>
> >> And that's how the fight started...
> >>
> >> _______________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> >> anniversary.
> >>
> >> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in
> >> about 3 seconds."
> >>
> >> I bought her a bathroom scale.
> >>
> >> And then the fight started......
> >>
> >> ______________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
> >> for Social Security.
> >>
> >> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
> >> verify my age.
> >>
> >> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> >> home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
> >> to go home and come back later.
> >>
> >> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
> >>
> >> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
> >>
> >> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
> >> me' and she processed my Social Security application.
> >>
> >> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
> >> the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
> >> your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
> >>
> >> And then the fight started...
> >>
> >> ________________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> >>
> >> She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
> >>
> >> "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
> >> to pay me a compliment.'
> >>
> >> I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
> >>
> >> And then the fight started........
> >>
> >> ________________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
> >>
> >> The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
> >>
> >> He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
> >>
> >> So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
> >>
> >> That's how the fight started.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
 


.

 

CHINESE SEX
 

 

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous
and does not use a condom  all the time he is there.

 

A week after arriving back home in the States,
he wakes one morning to find  his penis covered
with bright green and purple spots.
 

 

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

 

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and  tells the man
to return in two days for the results.

 

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
'I've got bad news  for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of  here,
and we know very little about it.'

 

The man looks a little perplexed and says,
'Well, give me a shot or something  and fix me up, Doc.'

 

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to  amputate your penis.'

 

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

 

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead,
if you want, but surgery  is your only choice.'

 

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
figuring that he'll know  more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

 

The guy says to the doctor,
'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we  do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

 

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
'Stupid American docttah,  always want to opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

 

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

 

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor,

 

'wait two weeks.  Faw off by itself!'

 

Buzz, that one made me laugh.  GOOD ONE
Ford

 :71- :71- :71-

 :30- :30- :30-

An old Scottsman is sitting in a bar talking to anyone who would listen. (in a thick Scottish accent) "Look,...look out in that field, Do ya see that wall out there?" " I built that wall..." he said shaking his head. "..by the sweat of my brow.. Stone by stone, all the way to the tree line.... But do they call me McGregor the Wall Maker?.." he said looking around the room. "No!"

Staring out the window of the bar he says. "And look out there... in the bay, Do you see that pier?" some patrons took the time to turn in the direction he was looking. "I built that pier, board by board, plank by plank, by the sweat of my back.... all the way out to the middle of the bay.... But do they call me McGregor the pier Builder?.... he asked looking around the room. "No!"

he slumped over his drink and mumbled "But, ya get drunk one night and fuck a goat...... "

 :244- :244- :3- :3- :131- :185-

What's the difference between heaven and Scotland?

In heaven they say: "Hey you, get off m'cloud"

In Scotland they say: "Hey McLoud, get off m'ewe"

 :97- nice!!!

I laughed my A$$ off with this one! Enjoy!!!  :208-

 Dan (tacman)

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/8e464776e6/the-navy-seal-who-killed-osama-bin-laden (http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/8e464776e6/the-navy-seal-who-killed-osama-bin-laden)

http://www.nj.com/mercer/index.ssf/2011/06/woman_injured_by_rolling_grave.html (http://www.nj.com/mercer/index.ssf/2011/06/woman_injured_by_rolling_grave.html)

Read the comments...  :97-

http://www.youtube.com/v/QwrbyVaC6EU

^^^^ it's funny in a sick fucked up sort of way........... the Brains splattering on the wall was a nice touch :103-

when we first got wireless remotes, they were clickers!(Zenith Space Command Remote)  Not as if we had many channels to surf then either.

I wonder what today's youth will have to compare to when they're our age

W

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSe2W_gEWpw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSe2W_gEWpw)

When I was a kid my dad had a remote for our TV
It was the kids, He told you to get you ASS up and change the channel.
If you didn't move quick enough you got slapped in the back of the head.




It's no wonder I never had kids of my own.

And don't get me started on where I was allowed to ride in the car. My spot was the rear deck, of the back window.
Did the Cop's care?    HELLL NOOOOO

lol...I almost drove my grandmother's powder-blue Chevrolet Impala into
the St. Lawrence River when I was 5 yrs old... :96-
Half the town ran after me and I even waved to the policemen
even though they had funny looking expressions.  lol

 :208- AT least you got to ride in the car :208- try being strapped to the sides  with rope .A little windy in the summer / SUCKED when it rained. Froze are A-ses off in the winter

Where's that Capt. Happy when you need him !!!   " Mark" "Mark"   we need a new smiley, a guy standing in some brown stuff wearing hip waders.  I got a feeling it's going to be needed

 before this thread finds a end !!   :104- :104- :104-

My seat (if there was a guest in the Car) up until I was physically unable to fit in it, was in the hatch back part of a Mercury lynx (ford escort) in fact my right ring finger is now shorter thanks to my sister slamming the hatch back lid on it.

 I remember distinctly riding with my Grandfather down the road in a VW beetle with two upside down 5 gallon paint jugs as the drivers and passenger seat.

As for my grandfather he would pull the A/C out of every vehicle he owned New or used, (cuz it used more gas) and seatbelts were for pussies... Earl Shibe was a crook, (rattle Can) and Catalytic converters should be opened up hollowed out and put back on the system.

you're right the remote was the youngest person in the house regardless if they were watching TV or not, deathly ill or not.

Computer monitors only had two colors black and green.

if the street lights came on and you weren't home getting ready for bed you got your "hide tanned"

only the rich kids got the Atari when it came out... we got it from a garage sale or from someone got into a butt load of trouble and their mom was really pissed at them.

back then Atari looked just as good in black and white as it did color.

A 52' TV was common place, 13 in of viewable screen and 39' of wood laminate covering the rest of the console.

You could get a sun burn from being to close to a 70's console TV.

even after said TV had long broken the new Smaller color TVs were set directly on top of it as a place of honor.

from buzz... 

The Four Levels of STRESS

LEVEL 1. You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to a hospital. That's stressful.

LEVEL 2. But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is very stressful.

LEVEL 3. So next... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you cannot be the father (relief)... because you are infertile and probably have been since birth. This is very very stressful .


LEVEL 4. On your return commute, you start thinking about your 3 kids at home.
NOW THAT'S STRESS !!

OH and let's not forget having to go outside and rotate the TV antenna for better reception. Dad would YELL out the window
(open of course, since we didn't have A/C) 
when the picture cleared up.

At my grandfather's house, two knocks on the floor with his cane = "keep turning slowly."
3 very loud knocks...almost like he had a sledgehammer on the wall = "STOP YOU DUMMY! STOP!"  :96-

No outside antenna at our house .  just these  things that looked like bow ties  made out of tin foil tied around the rabbit ears on top of the TV. it never helped but looked so  DAM  impressive                  OH YA i think i saw something about BUZZ being 2000 YRS old ??? or maybe 2000 posts  any way which ever way is was   :wa

new joke..
A guy was on a blind date and wanted to impress. he looked into the womans eyes and said " I wanted to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's much too long.."
the woman smiled, and replied "Well, I was gonna tell you a joke about my vagina, but I know for a fact..... you won't get it.

TRUE STORY. I took this girl out on a date to a small county fair.  I was in my early twenty's  as was she .we played the fair games drank some beer in the beer tent  and ate some fair food  (OH  NO NOT LOOKING GOOD )   I had some of those corn dogs on i stick  . Some kind of deep fried breading  with a hot dog trapped inside it  coated with mustard and a slice of peperoni  pizza. you know the greasy kind.  WE were enjoying each others compony and having fun . Then she said lets go on a ride. I am not a ride kind of guy  but she was cute a i didn't want to disappoint her or look like a wimp . I said OK what do you want to ride on ? I was thinking the Ferris wheel or maybe bumper cars   But no i was wrong she headed right to the salt and pepper shakers.  This goddam thing was two bullet shaped cylinders wrapped in screen  that spun in circles while the whole thing spins in a different directions .  We got strapped into  this contraption from hell  and away it went . It was spinning and twisting so fast you  couldn't tell up from down / right from left  /in from out .   I was not feeling so good  I turned and looked at this girl and she was having the time of her life  . All i could think ,was it was about over and time to get out  It slowed down and stopped they unloaded the other capsule of people  and put in there next victims . the ride then rotated to us and all i could think was finally, i could get out. The  fair attendant took one look at  me and could see i was turning green . THE BASTARD SLAMMED the cage closed as we were just about to get out and away we went . my date was thinking great a free ride . I was thinking   :256-  after a couple more revolutions i knew i was in trouble  trying to hide the fact that i was sick as hell . Then it happened CORN DOGS were flying around in the cage with us. SHE was screaming but not in excitement but in sheer horror. The faster the ride went the faster corn dogs and pizza  came out . I bet half the people standing in line were wearing  corn dog & pizza  puke suits courtesy of me . When the ride stopped and we got out the were half eaten chunks of corn dog and pepperoni stuck in the cage type grill . as we got out they just loaded other people inside  i could hear them screaming to get out .  to this day any time i see a fair ride or a corn dog i laugh my ass off . by the way i married that girl

We didn't have a remote, an outside antenna, OR color! The only (black and white) TV was in our parents' bedroom, and it only received channels 2-13 via a mechanical dial with a light bulb shining through the plastic to indicate the channel number. There was a place between channels 13 and 2 labeled "UHF", but the TV didn't receive UHF -- there was no second dial for channels 14-83.  Also, no one EVER had all 12 channels. We had 5, which was pretty good. Of course, we were restricted from watching without permission since the TV was in our parents' room, and besides, we were supposed to be outside playing anyway.

When cartoons finally started being aired during the week, it was (of course) on UHF, and since we didn't get those channels we had to go to our well-off friend's house (their father was a surgeon). THEY not only had a TV in their FAMILY room (!!) that received UHF, it was in COLOR!!

Sometimes some of the neighbors kids (myself included) would even go over to that house to watch cartoons in color when their kids weren't home -- and they were okay with that!!!  Speaking of which, we didn't have to have our parents schedule "play dates" with our friends' parents. We just went outside and played. What a concept.

Plunger Boy, I hope the SOB that made you ride twice had to clean up the mess.  :256-  :208- :208- :208- :208-

I bet that it was not cleaned until the dried chunks bounced off onto BUZZ's Trailer that he was hauling the ride to the next carnival on!!!  :279- :208- :208- :208-

CH :95-

Oh, you just HAD to paint that picture.  :99- :99-    I knew there was a reason why I didn't ride carnival attractions.     :86- :86- :86- :86-   :97- :97- :97-

slightly used Corn Dog, anyone?  :268- :165- :126-

lol  Now THAT was a corny joke...  :72-

New Joke... Did you hear that after last nights Dallas, Miami Heat game someone walked up to LaBron and asked him if he had change for a dollar... He responded by saying, Sorry wish I could help you, but I don't have the 4th quarter... :72- :279-

 :200- :200-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnOl4VcV5ng (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnOl4VcV5ng)

<EDIT 6/22/2011>  Here is a quick jump link back to JDW's one liners lolol. (http://newlifegames.net/nlg/index.php?topic=12905.msg116485#msg116485) :97- :97-

 






Rare photo of Mexican Navy Seal

 
 
This is a rare photo of a Mexican Navy Seal. I knew they had them,

but I have never seen one.














 

 
 (http://newlifegames.net/nlg/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=12905.0;attach=35455;image)

Pic didn't load in the first post. Sorry

haha! love this! GOOD ONE

New Joke...Tomorrow is King James Day in Dallas... Everyone gets to leave work 12 minutes early.... :72-

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Nice!!!^^^

                                              Knock on door

    A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies at the door.
    He asks if there is a problem.  One of the deputies asks if he is
    married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

    The man shows him a picture of his wife. The deputy says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

    The man says, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

Humm     Sounds like my X Wife, only she couldn't cook for S*** and was a NAG.

Is that supposed to be something rare amongst them??

W

NEW Joke

Man calls 911 and  says “I think my wife is dead.” The operator says how
do you know? He says, “The  sex is the same but the laundry is piling  up!”



MY neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning,  can you believe
that..... 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing  my Bagpipes

 
 
I was in bed  with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she  had ever laid her hands on. I said “You're pulling my  leg.”
 

 

My girlfriend  thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend -  yet.

 

Went for my routine checkup today and  everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my  butt! Do you think I should change
dentists?

 

A wife says to her husband, “You're  always pushing me around and talking
behind my back.” He says, “What do  you expect? You're in a wheel chair.”

 

I was explaining to my wife last night  that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different  creature. She said she would like to
come back as a cow. I said, “You're  obviously not listening.”

 

The wife has been missing a week now.  Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get  all her clothes back.

JDW123, those are definitely worth some rim shots!  :200- :30-  :190-  Where is Henny Youngman when you need him?   :97- :97- :97-

Instructions to members: Please play my rim shot video clip (above) (http://newlifegames.net/nlg/index.php?topic=12905.msg115158#msg115158) after reading each joke!  :5-  :208- :208- :208-


P.S. I've added links to jump back and forth to make it easy!! :72- :72- :72- :72-


Stat :31-

New Joke:


FOR THOSE WHO THINK CAPITALIZATION IS A FRIVOLOUS PURSUIT...I OFFER THE FOLLOWING:
 
 
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people
who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
 
Those who fall into this world, please take note of the statement below,
which illustrates the importance of capitalization.
 
Capitalization is the difference between :

"helping your Uncle Jack off his horse"

and ........

"helping your uncle jack off his horse."

 :97- :97- :97- :97- The stupid thing is my uncle's name is "Jack"...
I'm thanking my lucky stars he doesn't ride horses though....
I'd NEVER hear the end of it.... :208-

Deleted by A69mopar.  feel free to give me shit.

Replacement joke below

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

Deleted by channelmaniac .






« Last Edit: Yesterday at 09:12:41 PM by channelmaniac  »

You're correct, It doesn't show....  


W

I thought the whole idea of this thread being in the Rant's is that it is understood that the posts might offend..... But I see alot are edited into oblivion.

The last couple were an inside joke weren't anything more.  I don't agree with your definition of "a lot". 1 is not a lot.  even 3 is not a lot, but 2 of them were as I said. 
Anyway, in keeping with this threads title, here is a joke.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.          This is your Grandma's idea."

My post was a moderator joke. The "last edit" text isnt' something you can quote... Unless some one "fakes" it by posting it in their message which is what i did when I posted that my post was "edited" by Wayne. :)  I was teasing him.

Looks like we need a Moderator for the Moderators...  :214-

 :68- :68- :68- :190- :190- :190- :117- :124- :126- :207-

Not really a joke, but this was a pretty humorous ebay ad. Have to read the description and comparison chart.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/2010-Camaro-SS-/170650112633 (http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/2010-Camaro-SS-/170650112633)

Now that's funny!  :208- :208- :208-

Added for when ebay drops it.  very funny.  W



HER or the CAR?                Your Choice...

But The Car is Better Looking & A Whole Lot Cheaper!
2010 Chevrolet Camaro SS


As much as this car & my wife are loved and will be missed. I am forced to part with both, So my loss is your gain here. The car has less than 10,000 miles on it, her- a little more-just saying. The car has never seen snow, she can be as cold as ice. The car was garage stored when not in use, she is making me move out to the garage. This car has extraordinary acceleration with the 6.2L V8, superior handling, excellent value, head-turning looks, unique interior design, great fuel economy, and a throaty boasting exhaust, which beats a bitchy mouth any day.


(http://newlifegames.net/nlg/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=12905.0;attach=35934)

Boy I guess my post did come off sounding asshole-ish.... Sorry it was early, it's my day off, and I quit smoking.... triple threat.

The real reason the Lady changed Motels.




Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."



 
 
 

 :244- :244- :3- :3-
That is a good one, Buzz

I have a question:

 

1..  Nagasaki in 1945, after the atomic bomb:



 

 

2..  Nagasaki in 2011, following the earthquake and tsunami:



 

 

What the F***k is that arch made of????

This one is for Kirk in Vegas

My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-

acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'  The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The

 oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?

So I replied, “I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

 My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work…
 

The Best Story of the Year: 

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.  Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.  She said, "I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Ted had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Ted must have experienced.  "Ted was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Ted's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Ted.  "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Ted is
out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.  The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.



A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. 
He said, "I'm Ted Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.  "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Pelican case 'almost unconditional' warranty.  :96-


http://www.pelican-case.com/faq.html (http://www.pelican-case.com/faq.html)

 
This is an Incredible story!


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in  Kenya after graduating from  Northwestern  University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,

after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

 

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and

walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
 

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

 

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
 

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

 

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

 

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs

and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same f***ing elephant.

     This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

Ron (r273)

I agree... I hate those freakin mushy crap e-mails.

A little shocking but I like it! lol

The Recession hits everybody.....
           
            I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
           
                     
            CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
           
            Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
           
            A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
           
            I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
           
            If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
           
            McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
           
            Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
           
            Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
           
            My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
           
            A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
           
            A picture is now only worth 200 words.
           
            When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
           
            The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
           

This has been around but had to post it.
God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him, & then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman..'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too..

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God 1st said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, &
Over the hill, into the
Cave, & finds the
Woman.

Then, in about 5 Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache

^^nice

 

Adult Truths ***

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

 

 
 4 Worms In a Church Sermon!l

For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!



A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead



The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead




Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead



Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???



Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,



'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service
 
 
 
 

 
 

THE OUTHOUSE POEM *
(*note:  If you don't know what a OutHouse is - ask someone a little older)



The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.




With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.





He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

Do you know what happened
161 years ago this fall...
back in 1850?

California became a state.
 
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
                                                           
So basically nothing has changed except back then,
the women had real tits and men didn't hold hands.
 
That, my friends, is your history lesson for today….
 
 

 :205- :212-

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street." Finally,

I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan & when I told them I was suicidal,
they got all excited & asked if I could drive a truck!! :97- :97- :97-

 
 
An attractive blonde female motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"


"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.  My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.  Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?  I'll give you $100 for your trouble."


"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.


Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!  There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.  With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.  "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."


"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,"but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."




 








 

 :208- :208- :208-
 :95-

:95- Are you laughing at one or both? :128-  :200-

I'm laughing at both...  :30- :30-  (with apologies to blondes everywhere. :131-)

 :208- :208- :208-
 :208- :208- :208-

:31-

I am laughing at everything... it keeps me from doing the work I need to do! :208- :200-

CH :95-

A smart man knows when to leave....lol
 
  Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was  really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the  driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke  up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box  gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.  Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought  the box back in the house.  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
 

That scale doesn't go fast enough for me! :200- :279- :208-

CH :95-

Get a freight scale. I think they go to about 400lbs, room to gain. :97- :97-

Ron (r273)

 Red Tomatoes





A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to
turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who
had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her
tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how
did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
 

A truly touching story....
 
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
 
As we lay making love, I thought
"These tasers are well worth the money"
 

 
SIPPING VODKA

 A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
 
 The Monsignor replied,"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

 So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. �At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. �He proceeded to talk up a storm.
 
 Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
 10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"Take this and eat it for this is my body."He did not say,"Eat me."
 12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 
 
 
 

Don't Taze Me, Bro!

 Dan (tacman)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkMkGOpAF4s (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkMkGOpAF4s)

 





 

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it.

 

 

 

 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

Sincerely,

The Dog   ( ODIE )

 

Very Funny!!! :208- :208- :208-

CH :95-

 :111- :110- :107-  With my luck the cat would go down the toilet & block the pipe.

I Think you would need one of those Obama cats     a FAT CAT   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=IQsHDzRBlU0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=IQsHDzRBlU0)

.
 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwNVE37BGVE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwNVE37BGVE)

Thanks guys, now I am craving Ham, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Wine, and SEX!!!! :200- :200- :200- :208-

CH :95-

WHAT'S SEX ?? :208- :208-

You asking that is like Stat asking "What does pork taste like"...

 :97- :97- :97- :97- :97- :97-

Hopefully not in that order!!  :30- :30- Otherwise, all I can say is, "Boy, you've got your priorities messed up! It's the women who are supposed to want to be wined and dined before having sex."  :25- :127- :208- :208- :208-   (no offense ladies)


SF :31-

It tastes like chicken :114- – what else? :279-  :72- :72- :72-    (http://i546.photobucket.com/albums/hh438/teplock/matrix-animated.gif)

Hey Stat...

I have a Jewish friend here that has a good sense of humor. I ordered some Bacon Salt off of woot.com once and it was marked KOSHER! :) I gave him a bottle of it.

 :5- :5- :5- :5-

At a family brunch one time, my uncle is Jewish (uh...full-time...lol) , he doesn't eat bacon... :129-
All I could think of was >>> "More bacon for me!" Yum, YUM, YUM!! :72-

However, I never thought to ask him why?
What's up with that?

I'm not particularly religious so I eat it all the time, but to answer your question, it's not kosher. In other words, it's forbidden in the bible. The kashrut laws require an animal to have cloven hooves and to chew its cud to be edible (cows, for instance), or to be one a specific number of animals listed in the bible. Fish must have scales and fins (no scavengers like shrimp or lobster.)

Animals that can be eaten must still be killed in a specific way to be considered kosher, and the facilities must be certified by a Rabbi as conforming to kashrut laws. Basically, the manner allowed kills the animal as quickly as possible and with the least amount of pain or suffering. It also tends to be less likely to foster disease, by the way. For example, the organs, including the lungs are inspected for any sign of disease, and the animal must be clean to be kosher.

From a broader (perhaps non-religious) perspective, these laws kept Jews from eating meats or fish that often poisoned others over the centuries, either because of disease (trichinosis or shell fish poisoning for example) or because of poor sanitary conditions in killing, storing or preparing the meat.

With today's modern health codes and food handling practices, most of the health benefits of keeping kosher have been mitigated. Still, they were beneficial for close to six thousand years.

I found this interesting page. It's not religious – it's from the Meat Science department of Texas A & M university :96- and covers both Jewish kosher laws and Muslim Halal laws. I figure that this way we can avoid any religious discussions, which I generally try to avoid.

http://meat.tamu.edu/kosher.html (http://meat.tamu.edu/kosher.html)

Stat :31-

 :208- :208- :208- That's funny. I'm guessing that it was salt for curing pork into bacon, and since it was only salt (and if the location were certified) then why not? :200- :96- :30-

Stat :31-

No,

It's bacon flavored salt. I use in when cooking green beans. :)

... and it says "Kosher" on the bottle?!  :279-  :7-   :124-   :279-    :97- :97-
It's either a scam, or there's no real bacon in that bacon flavor!! :208- :208- :208- :208-

:31-



<ADD> Not to derail the conversation (or perhaps TO derail it), but is the pig above wagging his butt for everyone? :200- I have a lot of trouble with that particular emoticon freezing up on my screen, but not any others. :128-

It is wagging away for me!!! Must be the same problem as your GLOW! :208- :208- :208-

When I am on my cell phone the animated smileys do not animate.

Thanks guys, now I am craving Ham, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Wine,  :59- Chicken, :59- Green Beans, :59- Bacon, :59- shrimp, :59- something salty, and SEX!!!! :200- :200- :200- :208- (In no specific order. I would be happy to get any of them!)

Warning do not post when you have not eaten and are hungry! :279- :208-

We must be derailed as I do not even know what topic this is that we are posting in! :200- :205-

CH :95-

Actually, he's wagging for me on this pass through the thread. It comes and goes.  :265-

 :95-, as for derailing the thread, we're clowning around, so the thread's right on track! :127-  It's the Joke du jour Silly thread. :257-    :31-

:31- I am glad that you are getting your fix of ASS WAGGING again! :208-

Well, I've had to deal with enough serious stuff for one morning, if you know what I mean. ;)

well...That piggy is wiggling it's butt out here on the east coast!  :96-
thanks for the answer on the bacon Stat.  :3-
Now I know why my uncle doesn't eat bacon...
you learn something new everyday!  :89-


I'm going downstairs and make myself a BLT sandwich on a nice soft croissant...:97-

You could always wait for Passover and have a BLT sandwich with cheese and a shrimp salad. That would break just about every rule there is. :96- Do it on Saturday for the full effect. :30-

Or better, still, do it on Yom Kippur, which is just around the corner and which falls on a Saturday this year. :279-

You know that I don't keep Kosher either, so I would add a Crab Cake Appetizer since it is a Holiday! :208- :208- :208-

Also, I don't like tomatoes, so I would use something like Avocado and hav a BLA (Blah? :97- ) sandwhich... If instead you do not like lettuce, but do like avocado, you could eat a BAT! :213- :260- :279-

 :124- :123- :274-

CH :95-

CH :95-, I like tomatoes, but that BLA (Blah) sandwich sounds GOOD. :91- :183-  I guess I could leave in the tomato and have a BLAT sandwich.

Or how about a Bacon, Lettuce, Egg, Cheese, & Ham sandwich?   BLECH !     

"One BLECH on rye, hold the mayo! Toss in some cookies."  :167-   :307-  :40- :86- :40- :86- :40-

     :256-


SF :31-

I'm sure glad I ate my BLT before coming back here!  :96-

BEWILDERED TEXAN

             

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...
 

Folks don't blame me I got this one from Ben !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
 

 

 
 

Got this from some friends...lol
There's a real dummy on the ground holding a golf tee in his mouth...jeez!
Crazy or what?  :72- >>>



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8u2IzU7l6bA

Bunker  Got to give credit where credits due.  I got it from coyboygames and sent it to you.   :89- :89- :89-

Email from a friend........


>My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
> >with the kids.
> >I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
> >few hours:
> >’Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’
> >So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
> >’cold wax’ kits.
> >No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your
> >hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or
> >wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
> >No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
> >I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
> >this out. (YA THINK!?!)
> >So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
> >stuck together.
> >Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair
> >dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!) I lay the
> >strip across my thigh.
> >Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
> >OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!
> >Hair removal no longer eludes me!
> >I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
> >extraordinaire.
> >With my next wax strip I move north.
> >After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
> >ultimate hair fighting championship.
> >I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
> >Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my
> >bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to
> >the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
> >I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!
> >I’m blind!!!
> >Blinded from pain!!!!….
> >OH MY GAUD!!!!!!!!!
> >Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the
> >strip. CRAP!
> >Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
> >I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious.
> >Do I hear crashing drums???
> >Breathe, breathe…………
> >OK, back to normal.
> >I want to see my trophy -
> >a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy
> >pelt sticking to it.
> >I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
> >I hold up the strip!
> > There’s NO hair on it.
> > Where is the hair???
> > WHERE IS THE WAX???
> > Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
> > I see the hair.
> > The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not!
> > I touch.
> > I am touching wax.
> > I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
> >now covered
> > in cold wax and matted hair.
> > Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped
> >upon the toilet?
> > I know I need to do something.
> > So I put my foot down.
> > Sealed shut!
> > My butt is sealed shut.
> > Sealed shut!
> > I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
> >and think to myself
> > ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’
> > What can I do to melt the wax?
> > Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
> > I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
> >immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should
> > melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
> > *WRONG!!!!!!!*
> > I get in the tub -
> > The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of
> >war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.
> > Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
> >together,
> > is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
> >tub…in scalding hot water.
> > Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.
> > So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
> >myself to the porcelain!!
> > God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
> >phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
> >
> > I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
> >secret of how to get me undone.
> > It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are
> >glued together to the bottom of the tub!’
> > There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for
> >removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
> > She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking
> >cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’
> > She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her.
> > I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the
> >side of the box.
> > YEAH!!!!! Right!!
> > I should be the joke of someone else’s night.
> > While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape
> >the wax off with a razor .
> > Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
> >wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving
> >the sticky wax off!!
> > By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
> >I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
> >event.
> > My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
> >grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
> > What do I really have to lose at this point?
> > I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!
> > The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
> >friend.
> > It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care.
> > ‘IT WORKS!!
> > It works !!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she
> >hangs up.
> > I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
> >grief and despair….
> > THE HAIR IS STILL THERE……..ALL OF IT!
> > So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts.
> > I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
> > Next week I’m going to try hair color……
 

Twenty Dollars
 
 
 
On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go.
 
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
 
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than forty years  of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
 
She explained that for more than
three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
=
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is  disconnected !
 
 

Just received this one from a friend...

NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you

Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food

stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such

a beautiful country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,

shakes his hand, and says,

"Thank you for wonderful America !

That person puts up his hand and says,

"I am from Middle East .

I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks,

"Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

Puzzled, he asks her,

"Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says,

"Probably at work."
 

ohh that was funny Jay..."glued to the tub"  :72-

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since
>she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll
>leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on
>the counter, and I'll mail you a check.. Oh, by the way don't worry
>about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."
>
>"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
>
>"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
>
>When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day,
>he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen.
>But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet
>watching the repairman go about his work.
>
>The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
>incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.
>
>Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
>"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
>
>To which the parrot replied,
>
>"Get him, Spike!"
>
>See.....men just don't listen!!

Had to pass this along !!!




The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns
for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of
fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well
as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and,
presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous,
most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not ....... a Congress!
 
 
It is all becoming perfectly clear....Go figure

I'm not sure what category this falls under?  :128- >>>

I'm not sure what category this falls under, BUT IT SHOULD WORK.
When the rack gets dirty just use other side.

Fixed.

I like your answer better then my answer.

I like both answers. Use both sides and THEN return it for another. :96- :30-

I have to give credit for creativity! :244-

I think that since they already risked stealing the cart, why not go a step further and rip off the "cart baby ass wipes" in the industrial container buy the cart storage to "clean your grill!" :103- :79- :279- :208-

CH :95-

Enjoy, I sure did !!!  :208-

 Dan (tacman)

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/81805461/

 
SENIORS & COMPUTERS
 

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like  Mission Control and asked him to
come over.


Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
 
'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:


ID10T


I used to like Eric, the little shit head.
 
 
 
 
 

someone posted this on my FB wall

A man died and went to heaven. He saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter.
“Why all the clocks”?’ St. Peter answered, ‘Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.‘ ’Oh,’ said the man, ‘whose clock is that?’
…………… ‘That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have NEVER moved, she NEVER told a lie.

….‘ ’WHERE‘S President Obama’s clock?’ asked the man. “Oh,” said Peter. “It‘s in Jesus’ office…




He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”!!!

thanks guys! I really liked those two !! :208-
eric the shithead and jesus's ceiling fan....lol

Italian Mother
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
 
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but
notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
 
 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and
his roommate than met the eye.
 
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear mama,
 
I'm not saying that you "did" take the
sugar bowl from my house;
I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response
email from his Mama which read:


Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria,
and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama


 Moral:   Never lie to your mama.
 
 

That's one smart but nosy ravioli.... :72-

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says,

'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender..

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to
buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

Not a joke but the thought worth posting.

On the morning of May 18, 2011, my wife noticed a deer in our yard that appeared to be frantically looking for something in the rocks that form a wall on our property line in Brush Prairie, WA.

When we first went out with our neighbors, we didn't see anything, but the deer wouldn't leave our yard. We went back to our house and watched; after a few minutes the deer came back.

We went out to the area the deer was concentrating on and could hear a baby fawn crying in the rocks. We moved some of the rocks and smaller boulders and saw a baby fawn's face in the rocks. He had apparently fallen in one of the gaps and was now trapped. The larger boulders were too heavy to move, and we didn't want the rocks cave in on the baby deer.

We called our Clark County Fire District 3.
The B Shift team came out; they were able to move the larger rocks out of the way with the Jaws of Life enough to be able to reach in a pull the baby fawn out and reunite it with its momma. The fawn, maybe stuck in their most of the night, quickly went to nurse its momma.

One of our neighbors took some video clips of the fire department's rescue. I edited the clips into this short clip. After sharing it with some friends they thought that it was just too cute not to share with more people;
my neighbor agreed to let me upload it.

http://www.wimp.com/fawnrescued/ (http://www.wimp.com/fawnrescued/)

 :244- :244- :244- :244-

Thanks for sharing Fordsbs!

Ron (r273)

 :212-

How cute!  :71-

CH :95-

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, A MAN TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT HIS WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, 'HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL. NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.' HIS WIFE, A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN, TOLD HIM TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT HE WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV. AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? WE REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE A MID-LIFE CRISIS..

New Joke...

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000  gold coins . With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story..............

Pay your bills

 






 




ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!!


 
His request approved, the CNN News photographer
quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport
to charter a flight.


He was told a twin-engine plane
would be waiting for him at the airport.


Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane
warming up outside a hangar.
 


He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,
and shouted, 'Let's go'.



The pilot taxied out, swung the plane
into the wind and took off.



Once in the air, the photographer instructed
the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make
low passes so I can take pictures
of the fires on the hillsides.'


'Why?' asked the pilot.



'Because I'm a photographer for CNN',
he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'



The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,
finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

 

 

 


 

 
"Life is short.
Drink the good wine first."

 
 
 

.

Childhood frustrations...

4 articles of clothing minus 4 = naked

Hell, everyone's gotta have a job. The world needs strippers, hookers and...uh...ditchdiggers too :89- Better than a career of "would you like fries with that?"

That equation works in the bedroom.

Correction for strippers:
4 articles of clothing minus 3 = almost naked + 100 singles stuffed into the article remaining.    :96-

(...or  "Subtract 3 from 4, carry the hundred." :200- :72- :72-)


Stat :31-

 
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, " You 're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

" You 're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a
very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to
take all of his clothes off.When he is fully undressed she instructs
him to lie down on the table. The man obeys.The nurse then takes all of
her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.Upon the
completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was
all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that
before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more
relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and
sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are
going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and
sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks," What are
they doing in there"? The nurse responds, "they are getting vasectomies
too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
Lil Johnny Meets Barack

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."


"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama.
'That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss....
and you can bet your ass it's probably not an accident either."
 

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.


Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.


He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.


So he took his costume and away he went.


The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.


Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.


She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.


His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)


Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.


Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.


She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.


He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."


- "Did you dance much ?"


- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

Marriage is sharing   


The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.


He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one   half in front of his wife .


He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles   and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down   between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people   around them were looking over and whispering.


Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is   one meal for the two of them.'


As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely   offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were   just fine - they were used to sharing everything.


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.   She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the   drink..



Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal   for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing   everything.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the   napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to   eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


She answered


(Continue below - This is great)


'THE TEETH.'

Hope you get a chuckle out of this one.


 

The Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom,
walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud
conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please
use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you
that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place
stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did
they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you
like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the
fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.


Now, how about that drink?

THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
The best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad,
But the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
Your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders,
looks him square in the eyes and says.....................
'Grandpa;....... Go home!
You're drunk.'

I knew there was a reason I liked beer and fishing !!! :3- :3- :3- :208- :208- :208-

Fishing for Red Snapper??
 :3-

Today's Quiz:
You're on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed...
On your right side is a sharp drop off.
On your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed
as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your
horse is
unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and
the Kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?
See answer below . . .








 
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Very Funny Ford!!!

CH :95-

 
 
 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Kate, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "asshole". He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Kate called him a "shit head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012" stickers.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
 
Thanks Paul

Awesome!!!  :208- :208- :208-

Funny Buzz  :208-

CH :95-

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
**********************************************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


***********************************************************************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that  gun...'


*********************************************************************************************************


AND THE BEST FOR L AST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side either!"
 

 

 

This is what breast implants look like when you get old.........

Holy Crap that's nasty! Of all the stupid laws we have why isn't there one against THAT?! I shoulda waited till after I slept to look... :8- :8-

Jeff, I should give you negative karma for this.  My breakfast nearly came out on this one - YUCK!
 :30- :30- :30-

Danny

I'm not sure what is worse ........ The ugly old bitty or the fat guy in a speedo. I gota go take a Tums.

 


If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test 


How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S





| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert
 

F,in funny :72- :72- :72- :72-
Thanks for the laugh Buzz!!!!!!!!

It's official, I guess that I am a PERVERT! :200- :72- :97-

CH :95-

Before anyone says it... I am talking about the Joke from Buzz and not the unmentionable picture posted previously!!! :81- :81- :81-

It's alright Captain, I'm sure she was cute at some point in history. Back when she got those the technology was still really new and really damn expensive. People didn't waste that kind of money on ugly chicks back then :97-

This was a photo of her 3 years ago.  Breast implants accelerate the aging process.

http://newlifegames.net/nlg/index.php?topic=12905.msg134054#msg134054 (http://newlifegames.net/nlg/index.php?topic=12905.msg134054#msg134054)

.....or maybe the beer does it too.....

Ugh...

OK THIS IS GREAT,, Enjoy....................................................
 





 




An airplane  was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only

4 parachutes.

  The first passenger, Sarah Palin said, "I have my own reality  show and I

am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's people  don't want

me to die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

  The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator, and a  decorated

war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America  ". So he

grabbed the second pack and jumped.

  The third  passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of the United

States and I  am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even

call me the  'Anointed One.' So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped

out.

  The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger,  a

10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the  best

I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

  The little girl said, "That's okay Mr. Graham. There's a  parachute left

for you.. America 's smartest President took my  schoolbag."

I can see this one over & over. Everytime Iike it more.

A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
 

 Upon arriving, the nurse says "Congratulations, your wife has had quints, 5 big baby boys."
 

 The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."
 

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are all black."

.

You Guessed it, this Dogs name is Dick

.

Your daily smile

 

 

  While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.
Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied: "Great!, I love spaghetti!
"Billy Bob asked Bubba "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?"
Not so good," replied Bubba,"I'm thinking 'bout switching back to paper
 

 
 

 

 











 
 


Daddy, how was I born?




A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' 




The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe..  We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:   




Scroll down...You'll love this ....










 

 




















 
 
 


   You got Male!




 

 
 
 

Gotta Love Maxine!
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





 

 
 
 
 
 


I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod
…and how was your day?
That's what happens when old people start using technology ! 

 
 

 
 

 

 
 
 

Got Milk?

"More Bang For Your Buck" ?
" Upfront Payment is Required"   Hoo boy   :182-

BTW  The Spirit Airlines ad got pulled because Columbia was upset about it....  ::)

They have been at it for a week now.
A day latter they followed that ad with this one.

Good car buy :89-

http://milwaukee.craigslist.org/cto/2942643573.html (http://milwaukee.craigslist.org/cto/2942643573.html)

What's in a name...

 :208- There ain't NO way I'm ever going to try that...lol

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company
 
  In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

  'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
 
  Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust

  loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

   'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
 
   Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '
 
   The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.  Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
 
  By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie’s answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to  say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.
 
  Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.
 
  By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

    Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.  He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her.  After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

  Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at  me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
 
    'Now wot da fock vud you say?'

Did you know that Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?


This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas ,
but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips
rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos,
the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings:

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery
for sorting and then the chips are taken to the
casinos of origin and cashed in.


















This is done by the chip monks.

You didn't even see it coming did you? :96-

�
 
�
What is the main ingredient?
Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is? Don't lie and don't cheat.
�
WD-40. Who knew; I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason).
�
I went over, woke him up and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do. Probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open.
�
Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm the paint job that was on the truck.
�
I'm impressed! WD-40 -- who knew?
�
'Water Displacement #40'. The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and de greaser to protect missile parts.
�
WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Co. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound. They were successful with the 40th formulation, thus WD-40.
�
The convert company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
�
When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle!
�
Then try it on your stove top ... viola! It's now shinier than it's ever been.
�
WD-40 USES:
1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps flies off cows.
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super-fast slide.
21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22. Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes splattered grease on stove.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Florida�s favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'
38. The favorite use in the state of New York: protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, Saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.

P.S. The basic ingredient is
FISH OIL
 
 

I never knew that...no wonder it stinks! lol

 

 


Subject: What starts with an F

 

 

 

 




A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"



Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!"



Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.



While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks
he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
agreed.



Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agreed to take the test.



Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"



Harry: "9."





Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"



Harry: "36."



And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.



The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade."



Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."



The principal and Harry both agreed.



Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"



Harry, after a moment: "Legs."



Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"



The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!



Harry replied: "Pockets."



Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"



Harry: "Pants."



Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"



Harry: "Coconut."



The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.



Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"



The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."



Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"



Harry: "Shake hands."



The principal was trembling.



Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a   lot of heat and excitement?"



Harry: "Firetruck."



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong...... "



 

 

 
 

 
 

 

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me too :30-

I'd been visiting my son and daughter-in-law...


Last night I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.


“This is the 21st century, old man,” he said.
“We don't waste money on newspapers.  Here, you can borrow my iPad.”


I can tell you, that friggin’ fly never knew what hit it.....   :200- :30- :300-

 

 
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."
***********************************************
GETTING OLDER
 
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."
 
***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old.."
 
---------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
 
---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
 
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.
 
-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
 
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper....
it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)
 
*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord,
keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"
 
Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . . stick around awhile . . . it will!

 


 

 

 
 



 

 

So, A termite walks into a bar and says... Is the bar tender here? :97-

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar... The bartender says hey you! Don't you start nothin!!  :279-

An Irishman walks past a bar............ Hey! It's possible! :200-

A 5 dollar bill walks into a bar. The bartender yells... Hey! we don't serve your kind here...this is a singles bar! :30-

(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/229093_509828069032240_2003901661_n.jpg)

Joey  Did you remodel your tech room ???????????

An old man ( BUZZ ) walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
    When he's finished, the old man ( BUZZ ) tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.  But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
    The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

 :208- :208- :208- :208-

Yuk...     :256- :86- :256- :86-. 

 :97-

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
 

A Little boy goes to his dad and asks, "what is politics?"
 
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:  I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.  Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Goverment.  We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.  The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.  Your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.  Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.
 
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.  Later that night, he hears bis baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.  So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.  Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.  Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.  He gives up and goes back to bed.  The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
 
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own works what you think politics is all about.  The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ingnored and the Future is deep in poo."

 
 
Smile for the day--Amazing Facts
 
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)





If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)





The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)





A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)





A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)





Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)





The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)





The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)





The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)





Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still can't believe that pig ..quality over quantity.)





Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)





The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.......)





Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)





Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)





A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)





An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)





Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)





Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)





Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.  The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.  As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me.
 

 :208- :97- hahaha! That's a good one Proten!
karma + to ya!

I'm going buy some rye bread! Lol

And all this time I thought I was having a reaction from my Viagra :279-
 :259-
Barry

(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/32359_449240528467644_1041062033_n.jpg)

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=L7N6slVrQeY&vq=medium (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=L7N6slVrQeY&vq=medium)

THE RAISE
> Employee:
> Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
> Boss:
> Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?
> Employee:
> Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
> Boss:
> Yes.
> Employee:
> I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
> I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
> Boss:
> A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
> Employee:
> I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales,
> but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness
> and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
> Boss:
> Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain,
> I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
> How does that sound?
> Employee:
> Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!
> Boss:
> Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?
> Employee:
> Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

Hehe :97-

---

 




 

 
 

 

 
 
 

 

 

BLACK BRA size 38D

This is tooooo funny not to share.

The Business Deal


A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38D. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of

50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38D bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."




...and this is why the Chinese own us!

Business is Business!

 

 

 

 





 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the
Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little
red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a
... garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with
admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little
closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar
and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell
you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right
but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
...
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across his lips and slyly popping a finger into his mouth.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender, flustered, managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies' room."

 :97- :97- :97-

 
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. 

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.' 


 

                                                  My Living Will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, I never want to live in a vegetated state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

They got up, unplugged the television, and threw out my wine.

They're such assholes...

And we think we raised them "right"....sounds like our house.. :72- :72-

.

What time is it?

A little boy said to his mother,
"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there, Barack!
From what I can remember about that party,
You’re lucky you don’t bark!”

  Here Here. Thankyou for the chuckle :208- That is so true.

What do you call a pedophile pirate?











Arrrrrrr Kelly

 Enjoy

Dan (tacman)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7weArN35BUw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7weArN35BUw)

A (british?) man cave

MALE FAIRY TALE
 
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate Spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
 
The end
 
 
 

 :244- :244- :244- NOW THAT ONE I LIKE.

Last line should be "And then he woke up, and she was still bitching...."  :72-

What do you call an asshole wrapped in plastic?









You. Pull out your drivers license. Lol

Now, I totally fell for that one... :52-   :72-

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=717211468307619&set=vb.234538950336&type=2&theater (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=717211468307619&set=vb.234538950336&type=2&theater)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8hGIF9FljM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8hGIF9FljM)

The other day I was talking to someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and asked me a rhetorical question, ?Why didn?t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up??
>
> I replied that I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
>
> I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the priest, or if I didn?t put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
>
> I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom?s garden and flower beds. I was drug to the homes of neighbors to help mow the yard, repair the clothesline, and if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, my dad would have drug me back to the woodshed.
>
> Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, of heroin: and if today?s children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.
>
> God bless the parents who drugged us.

Amen...  :331- :212-

 :331- :205-

 :131- :131- :331- :259- :244-

I thought it was pretty good so had to post.

I grew up by the same drugs....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDnivh5Odfk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDnivh5Odfk)