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GODDAMN.FUCKING.ARMCHAIRS - $40 (Lake Mead/Decatur)

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Date: 2011-11-27, 9:58AM PST
Reply to: zzzzzzzzzzz@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
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These chairs came over on the Mayflower in 1620 and Gwendolyn Wydecunte originally displayed them in her home in Plymouth, Massachusets, where she would sit diddling herself and watching the broad-chested red savages who came to trade with her husband. From there the chairs vanished from history for some time until the year 1812, when they re-surfaced as the only articles of furniture salvaged from the burning wreck that was The White House, Dolly Madison favored them, more the left one, for pleasuring herself in. I suspect it's the vibrational frequency put out by the forest green fabric. you know what they say about M&M's. Fast forward to 1945 when Franklin Roosevelt himself parked his rosette in the left one while he confronted his wife Eleanor on her lesbian philandering. Eleanor was rumored to have quiffed in one of them, the right one actually. I can't confirm this rumor. Nothing has been recovered from the cushion. \So enough of the history of the thirty-dollar chairs.
They are currently in a non-smoking, cat-owning household, they do not stink or have bugs hopping off of them, the fabric is not worn or pilled, and they are suitable for sitting on, maybe even for looking at, depending on your taste and degree of color blindness. Fairly comfortable too, I might add, as long as one's thoughts don't stray to Gwendolyn's or Dolly's masturbatory proclivities. The seats are 15" high (yes a woman actually made me measure. I don't know about you, but I really don't mind pawing about in my garage in my skivvies for a tape measure to accomodate the arbitrary requests of a lunatic.) Apparently they do not match her "decor."
Quit pestering me with stupid fucking questions like you were acquiring some priceless fucking antique. THIS AIN'T SOTHEBY'S, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! They're $30 armchairs on craigslist! THIRTY DOLLAR ARMCHAIRS ON CRAIGSLIST! The way I see it, you either want them or you don't. What could be simpler: Gee, let me see. . . I have no chairs. . . Do I want these motherfucking chairs for $30 (not $300 or $3,000), or do I want to SQUAT in my house like some Aboriginal primitive Outback walkabout excursioning motherfucker with elongated hamstrings? You decide. It's THIRTY FUCKING DOLLARS. GET OVER IT! Or go to Chili's with your $30 and get the artery-buster special. Put it in a slot machine. Or in a needle in your arm. Or go to MLK and D Street for a crack rock and Jimmy Swaggart's favorite Airline Highway paramour. Maybe you can swing by the Paiute Reservation smoke shop and splurge on a new rose in a glass tube with the change, oh big spender you. Or something. Just look at them as a kind of investment. They'll never be worth less than $30. Once you've picked all the crack out of the --no, that's a fingernail--cushions and smoked it you can then SELL the chairs for more crack. It's like fucking money in the bank. Don't you get it? The universe wants you to have these chairs FOR FREE, with a measly $30 deposit.
Do not tell me that you've decided that they will not match your decor (people who buy $30 chairs on cl do not have "decor" per se, they have more of a wretched existence punctuated by moments of emptiness, despair, and hopelessness.) No, you can't SEE them. This is not the Shroud of Turin, motherfucker. For $30 I do not deliver. Anything. Ever. No, I will not hold them for you while you "come up with the money." ($30? Really? You've got bigger problems than a lack of fine furniture.) If you don't have $30 for something to sit on, God help you. If they're still here in a month, I'm going to learn how to do upolstery, about.com must have some information, and then they will match my decor. And your questions will no longer punctuate my empty, despairing, and hopeless existence.


•Location: Lake Mead/Decatur
•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Do me a favor boss, flag it best of craigslist for me.
As to what got me to that point?
Hold them til I get the $.
Get someone else to flag them too!
Thanks!

What exactly is the point of the "best of craigslist" function anyway?  :103-