Joke of the day & silly humor - post 'em here! Warning: NSFW !!!

[StatFreak]

Thanks guys, now I am craving Ham, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Wine, and SEX!!!!

CH

WHAT'S SEX ??

You asking that is like Stat asking "What does pork taste like"...

 

It tastes like chicken – what else?      

[channelmaniac]

Hey Stat...

I have a Jewish friend here that has a good sense of humor. I ordered some Bacon Salt off of woot.com once and it was marked KOSHER! I gave him a bottle of it.

 

[stayouttadabunker]

At a family brunch one time, my uncle is Jewish (uh...full-time...lol) , he doesn't eat bacon...
All I could think of was >>> "More bacon for me!" Yum, YUM, YUM!!

However, I never thought to ask him why?
What's up with that?

[StatFreak]

At a family brunch one time, my uncle is Jewish (uh...full-time...lol) , he doesn't eat bacon...
All I could think of was >>> "More bacon for me!" Yum, YUM, YUM!!

However, I never thought to ask him why?
What's up with that?

I'm not particularly religious so I eat it all the time, but to answer your question, it's not kosher. In other words, it's forbidden in the bible. The kashrut laws require an animal to have cloven hooves and to chew its cud to be edible (cows, for instance), or to be one a specific number of animals listed in the bible. Fish must have scales and fins (no scavengers like shrimp or lobster.)

Animals that can be eaten must still be killed in a specific way to be considered kosher, and the facilities must be certified by a Rabbi as conforming to kashrut laws. Basically, the manner allowed kills the animal as quickly as possible and with the least amount of pain or suffering. It also tends to be less likely to foster disease, by the way. For example, the organs, including the lungs are inspected for any sign of disease, and the animal must be clean to be kosher.

From a broader (perhaps non-religious) perspective, these laws kept Jews from eating meats or fish that often poisoned others over the centuries, either because of disease (trichinosis or shell fish poisoning for example) or because of poor sanitary conditions in killing, storing or preparing the meat.

With today's modern health codes and food handling practices, most of the health benefits of keeping kosher have been mitigated. Still, they were beneficial for close to six thousand years.

I found this interesting page. It's not religious – it's from the Meat Science department of Texas A & M university and covers both Jewish kosher laws and Muslim Halal laws. I figure that this way we can avoid any religious discussions, which I generally try to avoid.

http://meat.tamu.edu/kosher.html

Stat

[StatFreak]

Hey Stat...

I have a Jewish friend here that has a good sense of humor. I ordered some Bacon Salt off of woot.com once and it was marked KOSHER! I gave him a bottle of it.

 

  That's funny. I'm guessing that it was salt for curing pork into bacon, and since it was only salt (and if the location were certified) then why not?

Stat

[channelmaniac]

No,

It's bacon flavored salt. I use in when cooking green beans.

[StatFreak]

No,

It's bacon flavored salt. I use in when cooking green beans.

... and it says "Kosher" on the bottle?!             
It's either a scam, or there's no real bacon in that bacon flavor!!





<ADD> Not to derail the conversation (or perhaps TO derail it), but is the pig above wagging his butt for everyone? I have a lot of trouble with that particular emoticon freezing up on my screen, but not any others.

[CaptainHappy]

No,

It's bacon flavored salt. I use in when cooking green beans.

... and it says "Kosher" on the bottle?!            
It's either a scam, or there's no real bacon in that bacon flavor!!

Thanks guys, now I am craving Ham, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Wine, and SEX!!!!

CH

Hopefully not in that order!!   Otherwise, all I can say is, "Boy, you've got your priorities messed up! It's the women who are supposed to want to be wined and dined before having sex."     (no offense ladies)


SF

<ADD> Not to derail the conversation (or perhaps TO derail it), but is the pig above wagging his butt for everyone? I have a lot of trouble with that particular emoticon freezing up on my screen, but not any others.

It is wagging away for me!!! Must be the same problem as your GLOW!

When I am on my cell phone the animated smileys do not animate.

Thanks guys, now I am craving Ham, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Wine,  Chicken, Green Beans, Bacon, shrimp, something salty, and SEX!!!! (In no specific order. I would be happy to get any of them!)

Warning do not post when you have not eaten and are hungry!

We must be derailed as I do not even know what topic this is that we are posting in!

CH

[StatFreak]

Actually, he's wagging for me on this pass through the thread. It comes and goes. 

 , as for derailing the thread, we're clowning around, so the thread's right on track!  It's the Joke du jour Silly thread.    

[CaptainHappy]

Actually, he's wagging for me on this pass through the thread. It comes and goes. 

 , as for derailing the thread, we're clowning around, so the thread's right on track!   It's the Joke du jour Silly thread.    

I am glad that you are getting your fix of ASS WAGGING again!

[StatFreak]

Actually, he's wagging for me on this pass through the thread. It comes and goes. 

 , as for derailing the thread, we're clowning around, so the thread's right on track!   It's the Joke du jour Silly thread.    

I am glad that you are getting your fix of ASS WAGGING again!

Well, I've had to deal with enough serious stuff for one morning, if you know what I mean.

[stayouttadabunker]

well...That piggy is wiggling it's butt out here on the east coast!  
thanks for the answer on the bacon Stat.  
Now I know why my uncle doesn't eat bacon...
you learn something new everyday!  


I'm going downstairs and make myself a BLT sandwich on a nice soft croissant...

[StatFreak]

...
I'm going downstairs and make myself a BLT sandwich on a nice soft croissant...

You could always wait for Passover and have a BLT sandwich with cheese and a shrimp salad. That would break just about every rule there is. Do it on Saturday for the full effect.

Or better, still, do it on Yom Kippur, which is just around the corner and which falls on a Saturday this year.

[CaptainHappy]

...
I'm going downstairs and make myself a BLT sandwich on a nice soft croissant...

You could always wait for Passover and have a BLT sandwich with cheese and a shrimp salad. That would break just about every rule there is. Do it on Saturday for the full effect.

You know that I don't keep Kosher either, so I would add a Crab Cake Appetizer since it is a Holiday!

Also, I don't like tomatoes, so I would use something like Avocado and hav a BLA (Blah? ) sandwhich... If instead you do not like lettuce, but do like avocado, you could eat a BAT!

 

CH

[StatFreak]

...
Also, I don't like tomatoes, so I would use something like Avocado and hav a BLA (Blah? ) sandwhich... If instead you do not like lettuce, but do like avocado, you could eat a BAT!
...

CH , I like tomatoes, but that BLA (Blah) sandwich sounds GOOD.   I guess I could leave in the tomato and have a BLAT sandwich.

Or how about a Bacon, Lettuce, Egg, Cheese, & Ham sandwich?   BLECH !     

"One BLECH on rye, hold the mayo! Toss in some cookies."      

     


SF

[stayouttadabunker]

I'm sure glad I ate my BLT before coming back here! 

[Buzz]

BEWILDERED TEXAN

             

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...
 

Folks don't blame me I got this one from Ben !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
 

 

 
 

[stayouttadabunker]

Got this from some friends...lol
There's a real dummy on the ground holding a golf tee in his mouth...jeez!
Crazy or what?  >>>



<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/8u2IzU7l6bA&rel=0" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/8u2IzU7l6bA&rel=0</a>

[Buzz]

Bunker  Got to give credit where credits due.  I got it from coyboygames and sent it to you.   

[jay]

Email from a friend........


>My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
> >with the kids.
> >I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
> >few hours:
> >’Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’
> >So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
> >’cold wax’ kits.
> >No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your
> >hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or
> >wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
> >No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
> >I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
> >this out. (YA THINK!?!)
> >So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
> >stuck together.
> >Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair
> >dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!) I lay the
> >strip across my thigh.
> >Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
> >OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!
> >Hair removal no longer eludes me!
> >I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
> >extraordinaire.
> >With my next wax strip I move north.
> >After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
> >ultimate hair fighting championship.
> >I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
> >Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my
> >bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to
> >the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
> >I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!
> >I’m blind!!!
> >Blinded from pain!!!!….
> >OH MY GAUD!!!!!!!!!
> >Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the
> >strip. CRAP!
> >Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
> >I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious.
> >Do I hear crashing drums???
> >Breathe, breathe…………
> >OK, back to normal.
> >I want to see my trophy -
> >a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy
> >pelt sticking to it.
> >I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
> >I hold up the strip!
> > There’s NO hair on it.
> > Where is the hair???
> > WHERE IS THE WAX???
> > Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
> > I see the hair.
> > The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not!
> > I touch.
> > I am touching wax.
> > I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
> >now covered
> > in cold wax and matted hair.
> > Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped
> >upon the toilet?
> > I know I need to do something.
> > So I put my foot down.
> > Sealed shut!
> > My butt is sealed shut.
> > Sealed shut!
> > I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
> >and think to myself
> > ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’
> > What can I do to melt the wax?
> > Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
> > I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
> >immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should
> > melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
> > *WRONG!!!!!!!*
> > I get in the tub -
> > The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of
> >war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.
> > Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
> >together,
> > is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
> >tub…in scalding hot water.
> > Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.
> > So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
> >myself to the porcelain!!
> > God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
> >phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
> >
> > I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
> >secret of how to get me undone.
> > It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are
> >glued together to the bottom of the tub!’
> > There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for
> >removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
> > She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking
> >cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’
> > She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her.
> > I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the
> >side of the box.
> > YEAH!!!!! Right!!
> > I should be the joke of someone else’s night.
> > While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape
> >the wax off with a razor .
> > Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
> >wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving
> >the sticky wax off!!
> > By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
> >I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
> >event.
> > My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
> >grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
> > What do I really have to lose at this point?
> > I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!
> > The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
> >friend.
> > It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care.
> > ‘IT WORKS!!
> > It works !!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she
> >hangs up.
> > I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
> >grief and despair….
> > THE HAIR IS STILL THERE……..ALL OF IT!
> > So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts.
> > I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
> > Next week I’m going to try hair color……
 

[Amachanic]

Twenty Dollars
 
 
 
On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go.
 
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
 
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than forty years  of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
 
She explained that for more than
three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
=
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is  disconnected !
 
 

[Amachanic]

Just received this one from a friend...

NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you

Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food

stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such

a beautiful country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,

shakes his hand, and says,

"Thank you for wonderful America !

That person puts up his hand and says,

"I am from Middle East .

I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks,

"Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

Puzzled, he asks her,

"Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says,

"Probably at work."
 

[stayouttadabunker]

ohh that was funny Jay..."glued to the tub" 

[FORDSBS]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since
>she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll
>leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on
>the counter, and I'll mail you a check.. Oh, by the way don't worry
>about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."
>
>"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
>
>"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
>
>When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day,
>he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen.
>But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet
>watching the repairman go about his work.
>
>The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
>incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.
>
>Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
>"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
>
>To which the parrot replied,
>
>"Get him, Spike!"
>
>See.....men just don't listen!!

[FORDSBS]

Had to pass this along !!!




The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns
for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of
fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well
as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and,
presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous,
most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not ....... a Congress!
 
 
It is all becoming perfectly clear....Go figure