Joke of the day & silly humor - post 'em here! Warning: NSFW !!!

[Buzz]

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a
very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to
take all of his clothes off.When he is fully undressed she instructs
him to lie down on the table. The man obeys.The nurse then takes all of
her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.Upon the
completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was
all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that
before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more
relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and
sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are
going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and
sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks," What are
they doing in there"? The nurse responds, "they are getting vasectomies
too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."

[Buzz]

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
Lil Johnny Meets Barack

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."


"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama.
'That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss....
and you can bet your ass it's probably not an accident either."
 

[FORDSBS]

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.


Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.


He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.


So he took his costume and away he went.


The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.


Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.


She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.


His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)


Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.


Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.


She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.


He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."


- "Did you dance much ?"


- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

[FORDSBS]

Marriage is sharing   


The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.


He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one   half in front of his wife .


He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles   and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down   between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people   around them were looking over and whispering.


Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is   one meal for the two of them.'


As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely   offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were   just fine - they were used to sharing everything.


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.   She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the   drink..



Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal   for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing   everything.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the   napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to   eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


She answered


(Continue below - This is great)


'THE TEETH.'

[FORDSBS]

Hope you get a chuckle out of this one.


 

The Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom,
walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud
conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please
use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you
that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place
stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did
they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you
like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the
fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.


Now, how about that drink?

[FORDSBS]

THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
The best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad,
But the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
Your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders,
looks him square in the eyes and says.....................
'Grandpa;....... Go home!
You're drunk.'

[coorslight115]

I knew there was a reason I liked beer and fishing !!!

[Neonkiss]

Fishing for Red Snapper??
 

[FORDSBS]

Today's Quiz:
You're on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed...
On your right side is a sharp drop off.
On your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed
as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your
horse is
unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and
the Kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?
See answer below . . .








 
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

[CaptainHappy]

Today's Quiz:
You're on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed...
On your right side is a sharp drop off.
On your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed
as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your
horse is
unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and
the Kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?
See answer below . . .








 
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Very Funny Ford!!!

CH

[Buzz]

 
 
 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Kate, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "asshole". He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Kate called him a "shit head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012" stickers.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
 
Thanks Paul

[DannyG804]

Awesome!!! 

[CaptainHappy]

Funny Buzz 

CH

[FORDSBS]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
**********************************************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


***********************************************************************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that  gun...'


*********************************************************************************************************


AND THE BEST FOR L AST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side either!"
 

 

 

[idesign]

This is what breast implants look like when you get old.........

[cowboygames]

Holy Crap that's nasty! Of all the stupid laws we have why isn't there one against THAT?! I shoulda waited till after I slept to look...

[DannyG804]

Jeff, I should give you negative karma for this.  My breakfast nearly came out on this one - YUCK!
 

Danny

[lindam1]

I'm not sure what is worse ........ The ugly old bitty or the fat guy in a speedo. I gota go take a Tums.

[Buzz]

 


If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test 


How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S





| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert
 

[CVslots]

F,in funny
Thanks for the laugh Buzz!!!!!!!!

[CaptainHappy]

It's official, I guess that I am a PERVERT!

CH

Before anyone says it... I am talking about the Joke from Buzz and not the unmentionable picture posted previously!!!

[cowboygames]

It's alright Captain, I'm sure she was cute at some point in history. Back when she got those the technology was still really new and really damn expensive. People didn't waste that kind of money on ugly chicks back then

[idesign]

This was a photo of her 3 years ago.  Breast implants accelerate the aging process.

http://newlifegames.net/nlg/index.php?topic=12905.msg134054#msg134054

.....or maybe the beer does it too.....

[brichter]

Ugh...

[coorslight115]

OK THIS IS GREAT,, Enjoy....................................................
 





 




An airplane  was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only

4 parachutes.

  The first passenger, Sarah Palin said, "I have my own reality  show and I

am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's people  don't want

me to die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

  The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator, and a  decorated

war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America  ". So he

grabbed the second pack and jumped.

  The third  passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of the United

States and I  am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even

call me the  'Anointed One.' So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped

out.

  The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger,  a

10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the  best

I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

  The little girl said, "That's okay Mr. Graham. There's a  parachute left

for you.. America 's smartest President took my  schoolbag."