Joke of the day & silly humor - post 'em here! Warning: NSFW !!!

[Buzz]

Do you know what happened
161 years ago this fall...
back in 1850?

California became a state.
 
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
                                                           
So basically nothing has changed except back then,
the women had real tits and men didn't hold hands.
 
That, my friends, is your history lesson for today….
 
 

[FORDSBS]

 

[Joeylc]

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street." Finally,

I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan & when I told them I was suicidal,
they got all excited & asked if I could drive a truck!!

[Buzz]

 
 
An attractive blonde female motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"


"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.  My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.  Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?  I'll give you $100 for your trouble."


"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.


Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!  There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.  With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.  "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."


"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,"but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."




 








 

[CaptainHappy]

 
 

[StatFreak]

 

Are you laughing at one or both?  

I'm laughing at both...    (with apologies to blondes everywhere. )

 
 

[CaptainHappy]

 

Are you laughing at one or both?  

I'm laughing at both...    (with apologies to blondes everywhere. )

 
 

I am laughing at everything... it keeps me from doing the work I need to do!

CH

[Buzz]

A smart man knows when to leave....lol
 
  Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was  really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the  driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke  up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box  gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.  Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought  the box back in the house.  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
 

[CaptainHappy]

That scale doesn't go fast enough for me!

CH

[Ron (r273)]

That scale doesn't go fast enough for me!

CH

Get a freight scale. I think they go to about 400lbs, room to gain.

Ron (r273)

[FORDSBS]

 Red Tomatoes





A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to
turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who
had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her
tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how
did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
 

[FORDSBS]

A truly touching story....
 
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
 
As we lay making love, I thought
"These tasers are well worth the money"
 

[Buzz]

 
SIPPING VODKA

 A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
 
 The Monsignor replied,"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

 So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. �At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. �He proceeded to talk up a storm.
 
 Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
 10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"Take this and eat it for this is my body."He did not say,"Eat me."
 12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 
 
 
 

[tacman]

A truly touching story....
 
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
 
As we lay making love, I thought
"These tasers are well worth the money"
 

Don't Taze Me, Bro!

 Dan (tacman)
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/AkMkGOpAF4s&rel=0" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/AkMkGOpAF4s&rel=0</a>

[Buzz]

 





 

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it.

 

 

 

 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

Sincerely,

The Dog   ( ODIE )

 

[CaptainHappy]

 





 

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it.

 

 

 

 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

Sincerely,

The Dog

 

Very Funny!!!

CH

[FORDSBS]

    With my luck the cat would go down the toilet & block the pipe.

[Buzz]

I Think you would need one of those Obama cats     a FAT CAT   

[Buzz]

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/IQsHDzRBlU0&rel=0" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/IQsHDzRBlU0&rel=0</a>

[Buzz]

.
 

[Joeylc]

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/YwNVE37BGVE&rel=0" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/YwNVE37BGVE&rel=0</a>

[CaptainHappy]

Thanks guys, now I am craving Ham, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Wine, and SEX!!!!

CH

[FORDSBS]

Thanks guys, now I am craving Ham, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Wine, and SEX!!!!

CH

WHAT'S SEX ??

[channelmaniac]

Thanks guys, now I am craving Ham, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Wine, and SEX!!!!

CH

WHAT'S SEX ??

You asking that is like Stat asking "What does pork taste like"...

 

[StatFreak]

Thanks guys, now I am craving Ham, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Wine, and SEX!!!!

CH

Hopefully not in that order!!  Otherwise, all I can say is, "Boy, you've got your priorities messed up! It's the women who are supposed to want to be wined and dined before having sex."     (no offense ladies)


SF