Joke of the day & silly humor - post 'em here! Warning: NSFW !!!

[Neonkiss]

Where did “piss poor� come from ?

Us older people need to learn something new every day..

Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did "Piss Poor" come from?
Interesting History.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot

And then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery...

.if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...

They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature

Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell,
Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals

(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings

Could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery

In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,

It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables

And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers

In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:

“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old�.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests

And would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,

causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes,

so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status.

Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,

and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.

The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.

Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.

They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around

and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom; “of holding a wake�.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks

on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.

So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin

and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.)

to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,

“saved by the bell� or was “considered a dead ringer�.

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
So get out there and educate someone! ~~~

Share these facts with a friend.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,

'What the heck happened?'

We'll be friends until we are old and senile.

Then we'll be new friends.
“Smile�,

it gives your face something to do!
 
 

[channelmaniac]

Deleted by channelmaniac .






« Last Edit: Yesterday at 09:12:41 PM by channelmaniac  »

[a69mopar]

Deleted by channelmaniac .






« Last Edit: Yesterday at 09:12:41 PM by channelmaniac  Â»

You're correct, It doesn't show....  


W

[JDW123]

I thought the whole idea of this thread being in the Rant's is that it is understood that the posts might offend..... But I see alot are edited into oblivion.

[a69mopar]

I thought the whole idea of this thread being in the Rant's is that it is understood that the posts might offend..... But I see alot are edited into oblivion.

The last couple were an inside joke weren't anything more.  I don't agree with your definition of "a lot". 1 is not a lot.  even 3 is not a lot, but 2 of them were as I said. 
Anyway, in keeping with this threads title, here is a joke.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.          This is your Grandma's idea."

[channelmaniac]

I thought the whole idea of this thread being in the Rant's is that it is understood that the posts might offend..... But I see alot are edited into oblivion.

The last couple were an inside joke weren't anything more.  I don't agree with your definition of "a lot". 1 is not a lot.  even 3 is not a lot, but 2 of them were as I said. 

My post was a moderator joke. The "last edit" text isnt' something you can quote... Unless some one "fakes" it by posting it in their message which is what i did when I posted that my post was "edited" by Wayne.   I was teasing him.

[Neonkiss]

Looks like we need a Moderator for the Moderators... 

 

[poppo]

Not really a joke, but this was a pretty humorous ebay ad. Have to read the description and comparison chart.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/2010-Camaro-SS-/170650112633

[StatFreak]

Not really a joke, but this was a pretty humorous ebay ad. Have to read the description and comparison chart.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/2010-Camaro-SS-/170650112633

Now that's funny! 

[a69mopar]

Not really a joke, but this was a pretty humorous ebay ad. Have to read the description and comparison chart.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/2010-Camaro-SS-/170650112633

Added for when ebay drops it.  very funny.  W



HER or the CAR?                Your Choice...

But The Car is Better Looking & A Whole Lot Cheaper!
2010 Chevrolet Camaro SS


As much as this car & my wife are loved and will be missed. I am forced to part with both, So my loss is your gain here. The car has less than 10,000 miles on it, her- a little more-just saying. The car has never seen snow, she can be as cold as ice. The car was garage stored when not in use, she is making me move out to the garage. This car has extraordinary acceleration with the 6.2L V8, superior handling, excellent value, head-turning looks, unique interior design, great fuel economy, and a throaty boasting exhaust, which beats a bitchy mouth any day.

[JDW123]

Boy I guess my post did come off sounding asshole-ish.... Sorry it was early, it's my day off, and I quit smoking.... triple threat.

[Buzz]

The real reason the Lady changed Motels.




Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."



 
 
 

[FORDSBS]

 
That is a good one, Buzz

[JDW123]

I have a question:

 

1..  Nagasaki in 1945, after the atomic bomb:



 

 

2..  Nagasaki in 2011, following the earthquake and tsunami:



 

 

What the F***k is that arch made of????

[Buzz]

This one is for Kirk in Vegas

My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-

acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'  The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The

 oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?

So I replied, “I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

 My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work…
 

[JDW123]

The Best Story of the Year: 

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.  Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.  She said, "I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Ted had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Ted must have experienced.  "Ted was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Ted's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Ted.  "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Ted is
out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.  The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.



A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. 
He said, "I'm Ted Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.  "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[poppo]

Pelican case 'almost unconditional' warranty. 

Warranty

What exactly is Peli's Unconditional Guarantee of Excellence?
......
Any liability, either expressed or implied is limited to replacement of the product. This guarantee is void only if the Peliâ„¢ product has been abused beyond normal and sensible wear and tear. The guarantee does not cover shark bite, bear attack and children under five.

http://www.pelican-case.com/faq.html

[Ron (r273)]

 
This is an Incredible story!


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in  Kenya after graduating from  Northwestern  University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,

after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

 

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and

walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
 

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

 

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
 

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

 

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

 

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs

and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same f***ing elephant.

     This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

Ron (r273)

[JDW123]

 

Probably wasn't the same f***ing elephant.

     This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

Ron (r273)

I agree... I hate those freakin mushy crap e-mails.

[stayouttadabunker]

A little shocking but I like it! lol

[jay]

The Recession hits everybody.....
           
            I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
           
                     
            CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
           
            Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
           
            A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
           
            I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
           
            If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
           
            McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
           
            Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
           
            Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
           
            My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
           
            A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
           
            A picture is now only worth 200 words.
           
            When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
           
            The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
           

[FORDSBS]

This has been around but had to post it.
God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him, & then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman..'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too..

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God 1st said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, &
Over the hill, into the
Cave, & finds the
Woman.

Then, in about 5 Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache

[JDW123]

^^nice

 

Adult Truths ***

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

[Buzz]

 

 
 4 Worms In a Church Sermon!l

For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!



A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead



The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead




Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead



Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???



Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,



'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service
 
 
 
 

 
 

[FORDSBS]

THE OUTHOUSE POEM *
(*note:  If you don't know what a OutHouse is - ask someone a little older)



The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.




With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.





He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"