Joke of the day & silly humor - post 'em here! Warning: NSFW !!!

[FORDSBS]

I can see this one over & over. Everytime Iike it more.

[cowboygames]

A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
 

 Upon arriving, the nurse says "Congratulations, your wife has had quints, 5 big baby boys."
 

 The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."
 

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are all black."

[Buzz]

.

[Buzz]

You Guessed it, this Dogs name is Dick

[Buzz]

.

[FORDSBS]

Your daily smile

 

 

  While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.
Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied: "Great!, I love spaghetti!
"Billy Bob asked Bubba "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?"
Not so good," replied Bubba,"I'm thinking 'bout switching back to paper
 

[Buzz]

 
 

 

 











 
 


Daddy, how was I born?




A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' 




The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe..  We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:   




Scroll down...You'll love this ....










 

 




















 
 
 


   You got Male!




 

 
 
 

[Buzz]

Gotta Love Maxine!
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





 

 
 
 
 
 


I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod
…and how was your day?
That's what happens when old people start using technology ! 

 
 

 
 

 

 
 
 

[cowboygames]

Got Milk?

[stayouttadabunker]

"More Bang For Your Buck" ?
" Upfront Payment is Required"   Hoo boy   

BTW  The Spirit Airlines ad got pulled because Columbia was upset about it.... 

[Neonkiss]

They have been at it for a week now.
A day latter they followed that ad with this one.

[cowboygames]

Good car buy

http://milwaukee.craigslist.org/cto/2942643573.html

[cowboygames]

What's in a name...

[stayouttadabunker]

  There ain't NO way I'm ever going to try that...lol

[cowboygames]

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company
 
  In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

  'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
 
  Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust

  loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

   'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
 
   Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '
 
   The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.  Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
 
  By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie’s answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to  say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.
 
  Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.
 
  By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

    Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.  He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her.  After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

  Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at  me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
 
    'Now wot da fock vud you say?'

[StatFreak]

Did you know that Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?


This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas ,
but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips
rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos,
the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings:

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery
for sorting and then the chips are taken to the
casinos of origin and cashed in.


















This is done by the chip monks.

You didn't even see it coming did you?

[Buzz]

�
 
�
What is the main ingredient?
Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is? Don't lie and don't cheat.
�
WD-40. Who knew; I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason).
�
I went over, woke him up and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do. Probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open.
�
Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm the paint job that was on the truck.
�
I'm impressed! WD-40 -- who knew?
�
'Water Displacement #40'. The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and de greaser to protect missile parts.
�
WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Co. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound. They were successful with the 40th formulation, thus WD-40.
�
The convert company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
�
When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle!
�
Then try it on your stove top ... viola! It's now shinier than it's ever been.
�
WD-40 USES:
1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps flies off cows.
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super-fast slide.
21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22. Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes splattered grease on stove.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Florida�s favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'
38. The favorite use in the state of New York: protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, Saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.

P.S. The basic ingredient is
FISH OIL
 
 

[stayouttadabunker]

P.S. The basic ingredient is
FISH OIL

I never knew that...no wonder it stinks! lol

[Buzz]

 

 


Subject: What starts with an F

 

 

 

 




A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"



Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!"



Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.



While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks
he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
agreed.



Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agreed to take the test.



Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"



Harry: "9."





Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"



Harry: "36."



And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.



The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade."



Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."



The principal and Harry both agreed.



Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"



Harry, after a moment: "Legs."



Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"



The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!



Harry replied: "Pockets."



Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"



Harry: "Pants."



Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"



Harry: "Coconut."



The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.



Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"



The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."



Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"



Harry: "Shake hands."



The principal was trembling.



Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a   lot of heat and excitement?"



Harry: "Firetruck."



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong...... "



 

 

 
 

 
 

 

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[cowboygames]

Me too

[StatFreak]

I'd been visiting my son and daughter-in-law...


Last night I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.


“This is the 21st century, old man,� he said.
“We don't waste money on newspapers.  Here, you can borrow my iPad.â€�


I can tell you, that friggin’ fly never knew what hit it.....   

[Buzz]

 

 
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."
***********************************************
GETTING OLDER
 
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."
 
***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old.."
 
---------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
 
---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
 
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.
 
-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
 
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper....
it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)
 
*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord,
keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"
 
Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . . stick around awhile . . . it will!

 


 

 

 
 



 

 

[subsailor]

So, A termite walks into a bar and says... Is the bar tender here?

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar... The bartender says hey you! Don't you start nothin!! 

An Irishman walks past a bar............ Hey! It's possible!

A 5 dollar bill walks into a bar. The bartender yells... Hey! we don't serve your kind here...this is a singles bar!

[Joeylc]

[Buzz]

Joey  Did you remodel your tech room ???????????