Joke of the day & silly humor - post 'em here! Warning: NSFW !!!

[PLUNGER BOY]

An old man ( BUZZ ) walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
    When he's finished, the old man ( BUZZ ) tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.  But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
    The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

[FORDSBS]

 

[Amachanic]

Yuk...      . 

[4 Deuces]

 

[Buzz]

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
 

[FORDSBS]

A Little boy goes to his dad and asks, "what is politics?"
 
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:  I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.  Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Goverment.  We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.  The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.  Your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.  Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.
 
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.  Later that night, he hears bis baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.  So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.  Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.  Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.  He gives up and goes back to bed.  The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
 
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own works what you think politics is all about.  The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ingnored and the Future is deep in poo."

[Buzz]

 
 
Smile for the day--Amazing Facts
 
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)





If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)





The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)





A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)





A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)





Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)





The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)





The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)





The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)





Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still can't believe that pig ..quality over quantity.)





Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)





The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.......)





Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)





Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)





A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)





An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)





Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)





Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)





Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

[proten]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.  The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.  As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me.
 

[stayouttadabunker]

  hahaha! That's a good one Proten!
karma + to ya!

I'm going buy some rye bread! Lol

[solinoid]

And all this time I thought I was having a reaction from my Viagra
 
Barry

[Joeylc]

[Buzz]

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/L7N6slVrQeY&rel=0" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/L7N6slVrQeY&rel=0</a>

[proten]

THE RAISE
> Employee:
> Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
> Boss:
> Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?
> Employee:
> Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
> Boss:
> Yes.
> Employee:
> I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
> I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
> Boss:
> A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
> Employee:
> I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales,
> but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness
> and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
> Boss:
> Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain,
> I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
> How does that sound?
> Employee:
> Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!
> Boss:
> Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?
> Employee:
> Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

[cowboygames]

Hehe

[Buzz]

---

 




 

 
 

 

 
 
 

 

 

BLACK BRA size 38D

This is tooooo funny not to share.

The Business Deal


A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38D. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of

50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38D bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."




...and this is why the Chinese own us!

Business is Business!

 

 

 

 





 

[Firebird]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the
Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little
red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a
... garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with
admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little
closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar
and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell
you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right
but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[Firebird]

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
...
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across his lips and slyly popping a finger into his mouth.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender, flustered, managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies' room."

[CVslots]

 

[Buzz]

 
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. 

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.' 


 

[Firebird]

                                                  My Living Will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, I never want to live in a vegetated state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

They got up, unplugged the television, and threw out my wine.

They're such assholes...

[CVslots]

And we think we raised them "right"....sounds like our house..

[Buzz]

.

[cowboygames]

What time is it?

[Ed_milehi]

A little boy said to his mother,
"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there, Barack!
From what I can remember about that party,
You’re lucky you don’t bark!�

[slot collector]

  Here Here. Thankyou for the chuckle That is so true.