Joke of the day & silly humor - post 'em here! Warning: NSFW !!!

[Joeylc]

Drafting men over 50----this is funny
 
 I am over 50 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
 
 For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
 
 Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
 
 An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
 
 If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
 
 Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house.
 
 They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
 
 Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
 
 An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
 
 These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..
 
 Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward muslim terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
 
 How about recruiting Women over 50 ......in menopause! You think Men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh my God!
 If nothing else, put them on border patrol..... They'll have it secured the first night! (and we won't have to hear "Press 1 for English" anymore).

[SinCitySlots]

LOL!
I already forwarded it to another friend that also has 50 in the rear view mirror.
It looks like I will be headed overseas to one of the garden spots sometime in the next couple months and I have to agree with the sentiments of the post above.
Now that I think aboit it-
In a round-a-bout way, the general profile of FOG does describe some of my quirks!!!

[CVslots]

 >> HOW TO START A FIGHT
> >>
> >>
> >> One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
> >> a Christmas gift...
> >>
> >> The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
> >>
> >> When she asked me why, I replied,
> >> m
> >> "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
> >>
> >> And that's how the fight started.....
> >>
> >> ________________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
> >> we were in bed.
> >>
> >> I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
> >>
> >> 'No,' she answered. I then said,
> >>
> >> 'Is that your final answer?'
> >>
> >> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
> >>
> >> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> >>
> >> And that's when the fight started...
> >>
> >> ________________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> I took my wife to a restaurant.
> >>
> >> The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
> >>
> >> "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
> >>
> >> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
> >>
> >> "Nah, she can order for herself."
> >>
> >> And that's when the fight started.....
> >>
> >> _______________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
> >> reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
> >> drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
> >>
> >> I asked her, "Do you know him?"
> >>
> >> "Yes", she sighed,
> >>
> >> "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
> >> right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
> >> hasn't been sober since."
> >>
> >> "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
> >> celebrating that long?"
> >>
> >> And then the fight started...
> >>
> >> ________________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
> >> to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
> >> something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
> >> making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
> >> thought of a clever way to make her point.
> >>
> >> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
> >> grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
> >> scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
> >> the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
> >> I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
> >> grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
> >>
> >> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
> >>
> >> ______________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
> >>
> >> She asked, "What's on TV?"
> >>
> >> I said, "Dust."
> >>
> >> And then the fight started...
> >>
> >> ________________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
> >> lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
> >> boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
> >> downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
> >> garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
> >> would be bad all day.
> >>
> >> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
> >> into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
> >> anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
> >> terrible."
> >>
> >> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
> >> stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
> >>
> >> And that's how the fight started...
> >>
> >> _______________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> >> anniversary.
> >>
> >> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in
> >> about 3 seconds."
> >>
> >> I bought her a bathroom scale.
> >>
> >> And then the fight started......
> >>
> >> ______________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
> >> for Social Security.
> >>
> >> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
> >> verify my age.
> >>
> >> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> >> home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
> >> to go home and come back later.
> >>
> >> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
> >>
> >> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
> >>
> >> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
> >> me' and she processed my Social Security application.
> >>
> >> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
> >> the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
> >> your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
> >>
> >> And then the fight started...
> >>
> >> ________________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> >>
> >> She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
> >>
> >> "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
> >> to pay me a compliment.'
> >>
> >> I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
> >>
> >> And then the fight started........
> >>
> >> ________________________________
> >>
> >>
> >> I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
> >>
> >> The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
> >>
> >> He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
> >>
> >> So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
> >>
> >> That's how the fight started.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
 


.

[Buzz]

 

CHINESE SEX
 

 

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous
and does not use a condom  all the time he is there.

 

A week after arriving back home in the States,
he wakes one morning to find  his penis covered
with bright green and purple spots.
 

 

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

 

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and  tells the man
to return in two days for the results.

 

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
'I've got bad news  for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of  here,
and we know very little about it.'

 

The man looks a little perplexed and says,
'Well, give me a shot or something  and fix me up, Doc.'

 

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to  amputate your penis.'

 

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

 

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead,
if you want, but surgery  is your only choice.'

 

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
figuring that he'll know  more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

 

The guy says to the doctor,
'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we  do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

 

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
'Stupid American docttah,  always want to opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

 

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

 

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor,

 

'wait two weeks.  Faw off by itself!'

 

[FORDSBS]

Buzz, that one made me laugh.  GOOD ONE
Ford

[Joeylc]

 

[Joeylc]

 

[JDW123]

An old Scottsman is sitting in a bar talking to anyone who would listen. (in a thick Scottish accent) "Look,...look out in that field, Do ya see that wall out there?" " I built that wall..." he said shaking his head. "..by the sweat of my brow.. Stone by stone, all the way to the tree line.... But do they call me McGregor the Wall Maker?.." he said looking around the room. "No!"

Staring out the window of the bar he says. "And look out there... in the bay, Do you see that pier?" some patrons took the time to turn in the direction he was looking. "I built that pier, board by board, plank by plank, by the sweat of my back.... all the way out to the middle of the bay.... But do they call me McGregor the pier Builder?.... he asked looking around the room. "No!"

he slumped over his drink and mumbled "But, ya get drunk one night and fuck a goat...... "

[FORDSBS]

An old Scottsman is sitting in a bar talking to anyone who would listen. (in a thick Scottish accent) "Look,...look out in that field, Do ya see that wall out there?" " I built that wall..." he said shaking his head. "..by the sweat of my brow.. Stone by stone, all the way to the tree line.... But do they call me McGregor the Wall Maker?.." he said looking around the room. "No!"

Staring out the window of the bar he says. "And look out there... in the bay, Do you see that pier?" some patrons took the time to turn in the direction he was looking. "I built that pier, board by board, plank by plank, by the sweat of my back.... all the way out to the middle of the bay.... But do they call me McGregor the pier Builder?.... he asked looking around the room. "No!"

slumped over his drink and mumbled "But, ya get drunk one night and fuck a goat...... "

 

[channelmaniac]

What's the difference between heaven and Scotland?

In heaven they say: "Hey you, get off m'cloud"

In Scotland they say: "Hey McLoud, get off m'ewe"

[JDW123]

  nice!!!

[tacman]

I laughed my A$$ off with this one! Enjoy!!! 

 Dan (tacman)

<a href="http://www2.funnyordie.com/public/flash/fodplayer.swf?key=8e464776e6" target="_blank">http://www2.funnyordie.com/public/flash/fodplayer.swf?key=8e464776e6</a>

[channelmaniac]

http://www.nj.com/mercer/index.ssf/2011/06/woman_injured_by_rolling_grave.html

Read the comments... 

[channelmaniac]

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/QwrbyVaC6EU" target="_blank"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/QwrbyVaC6EU" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/QwrbyVaC6EU</a></a>

[JDW123]

^^^^ it's funny in a sick fucked up sort of way........... the Brains splattering on the wall was a nice touch

[Joeylc]

Hilarious ! ! Growing up without a cell phone! !

If you are 36, or older, you might think this

is hilarious!   

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears

with their tedious diatribes about how hard things

were. When they were growing up; what with walking

twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill...

Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,

there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of

crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and

how easy they've got it!


But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't

help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood,

you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids

today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.

If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the

damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody

a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way

across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would

take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents

beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends

also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!

If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike

to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off

the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the

beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players!

We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite

tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape

would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey,

that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you

were on the phone and somebody else called, they

got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you

left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or

receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with

your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror...

not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then

there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have

no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the

phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be

your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie,

your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't

know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video

games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the

Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.

Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had

to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple

levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting

harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!

Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to

find out what was on! You were screwed when it came

to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk

over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!!

Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only

get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying?

We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you

spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to

heat something up, we had to use the stove!

Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play..

all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and

comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the

back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you

got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment

if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard,

well that was your fault for calling "shot gun"

in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids

today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970

or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd (& way-over 40 crowd! ! )
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile)

[a69mopar]

when we first got wireless remotes, they were clickers!(Zenith Space Command Remote)  Not as if we had many channels to surf then either.

I wonder what today's youth will have to compare to when they're our age

W

[a69mopar]

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/vSe2W_gEWpw&rel=0" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/vSe2W_gEWpw&rel=0</a>

[Neonkiss]

when we first got wireless remotes, they were clickers!(Zenith Space Command Remote)  Not as if we had many channels to surf then either.

I wonder what today's youth will have to compare to when they're our age

W

When I was a kid my dad had a remote for our TV
It was the kids, He told you to get you ASS up and change the channel.
If you didn't move quick enough you got slapped in the back of the head.




It's no wonder I never had kids of my own.

And don't get me started on where I was allowed to ride in the car. My spot was the rear deck, of the back window.
Did the Cop's care?    HELLL NOOOOO

[stayouttadabunker]

lol...I almost drove my grandmother's powder-blue Chevrolet Impala into
the St. Lawrence River when I was 5 yrs old...
Half the town ran after me and I even waved to the policemen
even though they had funny looking expressions.  lol

[PLUNGER BOY]

 

when we first got wireless remotes, they were clickers!(Zenith Space Command Remote)  Not as if we had many channels to surf then either.

I wonder what today's youth will have to compare to when they're our age

W

When I was a kid my dad had a remote for our TV
It was the kids, He told you to get you ASS up and change the channel.
If you didn't move quick enough you got slapped in the back of the head.




It's no wonder I never had kids of my own.

And don't get me started on where I was allowed to ride in the car. My spot was the rear deck, of the back window.
Did the Cop's care?    HELLL NOOOOO

AT least you got to ride in the car try being strapped to the sides  with rope .A little windy in the summer / SUCKED when it rained. Froze are A-ses off in the winter

[Buzz]

Where's that Capt. Happy when you need him !!!   " Mark" "Mark"   we need a new smiley, a guy standing in some brown stuff wearing hip waders.  I got a feeling it's going to be needed

 before this thread finds a end !!   

[JDW123]

My seat (if there was a guest in the Car) up until I was physically unable to fit in it, was in the hatch back part of a Mercury lynx (ford escort) in fact my right ring finger is now shorter thanks to my sister slamming the hatch back lid on it.

 I remember distinctly riding with my Grandfather down the road in a VW beetle with two upside down 5 gallon paint jugs as the drivers and passenger seat.

As for my grandfather he would pull the A/C out of every vehicle he owned New or used, (cuz it used more gas) and seatbelts were for pussies... Earl Shibe was a crook, (rattle Can) and Catalytic converters should be opened up hollowed out and put back on the system.

you're right the remote was the youngest person in the house regardless if they were watching TV or not, deathly ill or not.

Computer monitors only had two colors black and green.

if the street lights came on and you weren't home getting ready for bed you got your "hide tanned"

only the rich kids got the Atari when it came out... we got it from a garage sale or from someone got into a butt load of trouble and their mom was really pissed at them.

back then Atari looked just as good in black and white as it did color.

A 52' TV was common place, 13 in of viewable screen and 39' of wood laminate covering the rest of the console.

You could get a sun burn from being to close to a 70's console TV.

even after said TV had long broken the new Smaller color TVs were set directly on top of it as a place of honor.

[Joeylc]

from buzz... 

The Four Levels of STRESS

LEVEL 1. You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to a hospital. That's stressful.

LEVEL 2. But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is very stressful.

LEVEL 3. So next... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you cannot be the father (relief)... because you are infertile and probably have been since birth. This is very very stressful .


LEVEL 4. On your return commute, you start thinking about your 3 kids at home.
NOW THAT'S STRESS !!

[Neonkiss]

you're right the remote was the youngest person in the house regardless if they were watching TV or not, deathly ill or not.

A 52' TV was common place, 13 in of viewable screen and 39' of wood laminate covering the rest of the console.

OH and let's not forget having to go outside and rotate the TV antenna for better reception. Dad would YELL out the window
(open of course, since we didn't have A/C) 
when the picture cleared up.