Joke of the day & silly humor - post 'em here! Warning: NSFW !!!

[stayouttadabunker]

At my grandfather's house, two knocks on the floor with his cane = "keep turning slowly."
3 very loud knocks...almost like he had a sledgehammer on the wall = "STOP YOU DUMMY! STOP!" 

[PLUNGER BOY]

No outside antenna at our house .  just these  things that looked like bow ties  made out of tin foil tied around the rabbit ears on top of the TV. it never helped but looked so  DAM  impressive                  OH YA i think i saw something about BUZZ being 2000 YRS old ??? or maybe 2000 posts  any way which ever way is was   

[JDW123]

new joke..
A guy was on a blind date and wanted to impress. he looked into the womans eyes and said " I wanted to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's much too long.."
the woman smiled, and replied "Well, I was gonna tell you a joke about my vagina, but I know for a fact..... you won't get it.

[PLUNGER BOY]

TRUE STORY. I took this girl out on a date to a small county fair.  I was in my early twenty's  as was she .we played the fair games drank some beer in the beer tent  and ate some fair food  (OH  NO NOT LOOKING GOOD )   I had some of those corn dogs on i stick  . Some kind of deep fried breading  with a hot dog trapped inside it  coated with mustard and a slice of peperoni  pizza. you know the greasy kind.  WE were enjoying each others compony and having fun . Then she said lets go on a ride. I am not a ride kind of guy  but she was cute a i didn't want to disappoint her or look like a wimp . I said OK what do you want to ride on ? I was thinking the Ferris wheel or maybe bumper cars   But no i was wrong she headed right to the salt and pepper shakers.  This goddam thing was two bullet shaped cylinders wrapped in screen  that spun in circles while the whole thing spins in a different directions .  We got strapped into  this contraption from hell  and away it went . It was spinning and twisting so fast you  couldn't tell up from down / right from left  /in from out .   I was not feeling so good  I turned and looked at this girl and she was having the time of her life  . All i could think ,was it was about over and time to get out  It slowed down and stopped they unloaded the other capsule of people  and put in there next victims . the ride then rotated to us and all i could think was finally, i could get out. The  fair attendant took one look at  me and could see i was turning green . THE BASTARD SLAMMED the cage closed as we were just about to get out and away we went . my date was thinking great a free ride . I was thinking    after a couple more revolutions i knew i was in trouble  trying to hide the fact that i was sick as hell . Then it happened CORN DOGS were flying around in the cage with us. SHE was screaming but not in excitement but in sheer horror. The faster the ride went the faster corn dogs and pizza  came out . I bet half the people standing in line were wearing  corn dog & pizza  puke suits courtesy of me . When the ride stopped and we got out the were half eaten chunks of corn dog and pepperoni stuck in the cage type grill . as we got out they just loaded other people inside  i could hear them screaming to get out .  to this day any time i see a fair ride or a corn dog i laugh my ass off . by the way i married that girl

[StatFreak]

We didn't have a remote, an outside antenna, OR color! The only (black and white) TV was in our parents' bedroom, and it only received channels 2-13 via a mechanical dial with a light bulb shining through the plastic to indicate the channel number. There was a place between channels 13 and 2 labeled "UHF", but the TV didn't receive UHF -- there was no second dial for channels 14-83.  Also, no one EVER had all 12 channels. We had 5, which was pretty good. Of course, we were restricted from watching without permission since the TV was in our parents' room, and besides, we were supposed to be outside playing anyway.

When cartoons finally started being aired during the week, it was (of course) on UHF, and since we didn't get those channels we had to go to our well-off friend's house (their father was a surgeon). THEY not only had a TV in their FAMILY room (!!) that received UHF, it was in COLOR!!

Sometimes some of the neighbors kids (myself included) would even go over to that house to watch cartoons in color when their kids weren't home -- and they were okay with that!!!  Speaking of which, we didn't have to have our parents schedule "play dates" with our friends' parents. We just went outside and played. What a concept.

[StatFreak]

Plunger Boy, I hope the SOB that made you ride twice had to clean up the mess.   

[CaptainHappy]

Plunger Boy, I hope the SOB that made you ride twice had to clean up the mess.   

I bet that it was not cleaned until the dried chunks bounced off onto BUZZ's Trailer that he was hauling the ride to the next carnival on!!! 

CH

[StatFreak]

Plunger Boy, I hope the SOB that made you ride twice had to clean up the mess.   

I bet that it was not cleaned until the dried chunks bounced off onto BUZZ's Trailer that he was hauling the ride to the next carnival on!!! 

CH

Oh, you just HAD to paint that picture.      I knew there was a reason why I didn't ride carnival attractions.         

slightly used Corn Dog, anyone? 

[stayouttadabunker]

lol  Now THAT was a corny joke... 

[Amachanic]

New Joke... Did you hear that after last nights Dallas, Miami Heat game someone walked up to LaBron and asked him if he had change for a dollar... He responded by saying, Sorry wish I could help you, but I don't have the 4th quarter...

[StatFreak]

New Joke... Did you hear that after last nights Dallas, Miami Heat game someone walked up to LaBron and asked him if he had change for a dollar... He responded by saying, Sorry wish I could help you, but I don't have the 4th quarter...

 

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/GnOl4VcV5ng&rel=0" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/GnOl4VcV5ng&rel=0</a>

<EDIT 6/22/2011>  Here is a quick jump link back to JDW's one liners lolol.

[Buzz]

 






Rare photo of Mexican Navy Seal

 
 
This is a rare photo of a Mexican Navy Seal. I knew they had them,

but I have never seen one.














 

 
 

[Buzz]

Pic didn't load in the first post. Sorry

[DannyG804]

New Joke... Did you hear that after last nights Dallas, Miami Heat game someone walked up to LaBron and asked him if he had change for a dollar... He responded by saying, Sorry wish I could help you, but I don't have the 4th quarter...

haha! love this! GOOD ONE

[Amachanic]

New Joke...Tomorrow is King James Day in Dallas... Everyone gets to leave work 12 minutes early....

[jsmith]

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[JDW123]

Nice!!!^^^

[jsmith]

                                              Knock on door

    A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies at the door.
    He asks if there is a problem.  One of the deputies asks if he is
    married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

    The man shows him a picture of his wife. The deputy says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

    The man says, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

[Buzz]

                                              Knock on door

    A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies at the door.
    He asks if there is a problem.  One of the deputies asks if he is
    married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

    The man shows him a picture of his wife. The deputy says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

    The man says, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

Humm     Sounds like my X Wife, only she couldn't cook for S*** and was a NAG.

[a69mopar]

was a NAG.

Is that supposed to be something rare amongst them??

W

[JDW123]

NEW Joke

Man calls 911 and  says “I think my wife is dead.â€� The operator says how
do you know? He says, “The  sex is the same but the laundry is piling  up!â€�



MY neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning,  can you believe
that..... 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing  my Bagpipes

 
 
I was in bed  with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she  had ever laid her hands on. I said “You're pulling my  leg.â€�
 

 

My girlfriend  thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend -  yet.

 

Went for my routine checkup today and  everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my  butt! Do you think I should change
dentists?

 

A wife says to her husband, “You're  always pushing me around and talking
behind my back.â€� He says, “What do  you expect? You're in a wheel chair.â€�

 

I was explaining to my wife last night  that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different  creature. She said she would like to
come back as a cow. I said, “You're  obviously not listening.â€�

 

The wife has been missing a week now.  Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get  all her clothes back.

[StatFreak]

JDW123, those are definitely worth some rim shots!      Where is Henny Youngman when you need him?   

Instructions to members: Please play my rim shot video clip (above) after reading each joke!   


P.S. I've added links to jump back and forth to make it easy!!


Stat

[StatFreak]

New Joke:


FOR THOSE WHO THINK CAPITALIZATION IS A FRIVOLOUS PURSUIT...I OFFER THE FOLLOWING:
 
 
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people
who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
 
Those who fall into this world, please take note of the statement below,
which illustrates the importance of capitalization.
 
Capitalization is the difference between :

"helping your Uncle Jack off his horse"

and ........

"helping your uncle jack off his horse."

[stayouttadabunker]

  The stupid thing is my uncle's name is "Jack"...
I'm thanking my lucky stars he doesn't ride horses though....
I'd NEVER hear the end of it....

[Magicslots]

Deleted by A69mopar.  feel free to give me shit.

Replacement joke below

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."